I do not give up easily, for anything I can do, to try to overcome the challenges.
I do believe, if other people can do it, sure I can, much more better than them.
I always trust myself, I can handle all the troubles even though it is last minute.
However, I gave up on dancing, I refuse to join the dance department for last minute, for some reasons & excuses, which are not my will.
I do not want to spoil any group presentation & performance anymore, because of me;
I do not want to make the perfect presentation & performance to look imperfect, because of me;
I do not want to encumber whole dancers, because of me.
I do not mind to be hurt, to be injured, but I do mind if the presentation & performance fail because of me.
Although no people comment that I did not dance well, on contrary, they did courage me, I knew my own standard, I knew I did badly.
Although I always convince myself that, I can do better for the next time, it will be still the same, no matter how matter how many times. I did work hard, I did give much effort, but it cannot bring any results, just like my exams, no matter how hardworking was I, I still could not get good result.
Although whole dancers encourage & support me, I found that I could not force myself anymore, I cannot make them to waste time on me.
The more they encourage me, my pressure will be getting higher, & my inferiority will be getting higher.
I was pretending I am smart, but, still, I am stupid, useless, cannot do anything right;
I was pretending to be strong, but, yet, I am still soft & weak;
I was pretending to be proud, but, the prouder am I, I am getting to feel more inferior.
P/S:
Mei, I knew you are not willing to give up on me, but I am sorry that I cannot do it. I am not giving up, on the contrary, I really do not want the performance to look imperfect because of me;
Yang, I knew you care for me, I am sorry, because I chose you as my partner from the start, & yet I disappointed you. I am not willing to lose my sweetheart brother if you want me to make a choice. You do not know, I was crying on the phone, that was why I could not speak;
Jas Jie, I am sorry that I encumber you last minute, since you are busying with studies & work, & it will lack of time for you to practice after you get back.
Johnny Gor, finally, I disappointed you. I did encourage you not to giving up, no matter how bad you danced. It seemed that I am a bad example for you.
P/S:
Dear, I thought I am strong enough, after you left. I thought there is no more tears for me.
But, my tears were out of control, & I do feel very sad & sorry. Nevertheless, what can I do, to fill the void, the space you have left?
Dear, if it was you, you would give me courage & cheer, right?
However, dear, there is no IF. If there is IF, you would not have made me to hate you so much.
There is always hope, but there is no more anticipation, because I no longer see it...
