I am very depressed.
I feel very sad.
I find myself very useless.
Am I just another failure product of God?
old trouble seizures……
Since I baptized, troubles are coming non-stop.
Are they test from God? Or threats from devil?
I was not as smart as everyone expected. Everybody thought I was a smart student & can get all As in the exams; everybody always thought me as a hardworking student & expect me can get really good result for my exams. No one knows that I cannot learn as fast as others; I need more time to learn something & need a teacher who can teach me patiently & slowly. Everyone have too high expectations on me & it gives so much pressure until I want to collapse. No one knows, how I feel inferior, when I cannot do the the things that everyone can do it; no one will notice, how I feel depress, when everyone can follow the steps while I cannot. No one will encourage me & give me confidence & support me until the end. What everyone gives, is just a temporary courage only. No one will show great concern to me, no matter how I get their special attention. & no one will notice the existence of me, if I never call upon them.
Firstly, I meet the people I hate the most every Sunday. It destroys my mood. It turns my good mood into bad mood. It makes me lose my appetite. The worst thing is, I need to greet them, to show my good manner (=.=). We are hating each other, but still, need to pretend to be friendly (>.<). Moreover, they look down on me, but still want to talk me with disgusting tone purposely to trample on my self-esteem. They want to show me that they are different from me because they are rich, have power & authority, from high class of society. They want to show me that I do not have the qualification to stand on the same line with them.
Secondly, whenever I am late to leave for school, I always out of luck to get into lift at school, although there're 4 lifts. I have to wait for few times, or even 15 minutes for the lifts, until I get late for the class. Sometimes, the lift is out of order too.
Thirdly, assignments are coming continuously, quizzes are coming, finals are around the corner. But, I have no momentum to do anything at all (haiz……).
I could not find any info for the assignments; I have different opinion with group members & always argue; I could not do my jobs well; I could not finish a single job based on my own ability.
Fourth, I found myself do not have any strength.
For mid-term assignments, my group members have finished my jobs. Should I be grateful to God because He had answered my prayer? Or, I should blame myself for not useful at all? For photography assignments, why seniors & Poh Poh can take good photography & the lecturer praised them a lot? Why I cannot take a good picture at all? Why I cannot understand what the lecturer has taught while other people do? For Philosophy class, why I cannot understand the lesson at all although I pay attention? Why the classmates can present so well?
I felt very depressed & lost my temper to anyone anytime. Once I get angry, it takes a long time for me to calm down. It seemed like I could not get control on myself anymore. I tried very hard to change my temper into soft for not displeasing anyone. However, whenever I cannot finish a job, I will lose my temper again, although I try to get control on myself. Although Paul has taught me the way to get control on my temper, it seems not useful for me. My mind loses control on itself & makes me want to quarrel.
I was losing my temper on Poh Poh for giving hard work to me. I really could not find any info about that topic & could not finish my job. I asked for advices from Wen Yi & Ken also. They could only provided me some theories. It made me more despair.
I was losing my temper to Aaron on what he has done on that day. I was angry before I met him. It made me more angry after I have met him. For some reason, he really did something that offended me.
I was sorry to everyone. I was behaving unreasonable recently. I was on fire these week. I was sorry that my EQ is not high enough. I will be more rational.
I hate assignments & homeworks...
Poh Poh wanted us to finish the marketing assignment & hand in to her on Wednesday.
I did it few days before. But, I really could not find any information about the process(supply chain & manufacturer). I have searched all over the internet & asked Wen Yi also, but still, could not find it. So I did not do my power point slides. Sherline & Poh Poh must kill me.
I searched the information until very late. I slept at 3am & I need to wake up at 6am (faint-.-). At last, I still can wake up on time, but I had serious headache & felt like fainting. I hoped I could play truant on that day. Mr Lee did not lecture. Even he lectures, no one would listen to him also (=.=''').
I ate my breakfast slowly purposely, but I still arrived early. Hasheni suggested to go to IT studio to finish the marketing assignment. So, I followed her.
Well, I on facebook & found that there were people online too. It was so early (>.<).
I really had no ideas for the process things. I simply did the packaging slides to hand in to Poh Poh. I had no mood & really damn sleepy.
When we went back to class, Mr Lee was giving assignment for our Mid-Term exams.
It was an easy work but I did not know how to do the work in computer. Moreover, my group members always did last minute work. But, they really have strength in studies.
Class was dismissed at 10am. It was too early. Mr Lee dismissed us early for us to do the work, but my group members were not going to do it.
I had no plan. So, I went to visit Nath's stall.
Food stalls were all over the first floor & ground floor, like jumbo sales, made me so surprise (>.<''').
However, I just had my breakfast & I did not feel like eating, so I did not buy any food from him, although he was forcing me to buy (-.-''').
What kinds of salesman like him (-.-''')?
I had no plan, so I went back to IT studio to continue the searching.
I on facebook & wrote a lot of nonsense in my wall & chatted with Jason. Jason scolded me for doing work on last minute like always (I only have mood to do work on last minute >.<).
Min Yang & Poh Poh came to meet me finally (>.<).
Like expected, she scolded for not doing things on time, no matter how I argued & how I showed her the proofs.
I felt helpless & depressed. It was my fault after all. I did not have the ability to do the work. I was not a responsible student.
My heart is very pain. I am too stupid like an idiot. I am always the one who is always be scolded. No matter how I work hard & how much I pay, there are no harvests also. I am not the one who give up easily, but I am the one who do not have enough knowledge & know nothing & make everything fails.
One of the reason he does not like me because I do not have high ambition, & I do not seek for it.
But, he does not know, I am the type who will support him always until his dream be fulfilled. I miss him often & will be there when he needs me. I can listen to him on every words & complaints without any boredom.
For God who loves me, for Lord Jesus I run after, for holy spirit in my heart, thanks for comforting me when my heart is pain. When cry is over, life will restart again.
Hibernation
I felt helpless all of sudden (-.-''').
Because of the due date, I have to start doing my assignment now.
But, because I never revise since the beginning of this semester, I found myself foolish & stupid. When I opened the textbook, I was dazzled. Maybe it is because I used to read scientific & history textbook, I was not used to read business core textbook. I found it more difficult & confused. Although business core is much more easier than science, I still find it hard to remember the facts. Maybe I still need some time to get use to business core.
I am very sorry to the lecturer, although he seldom teach in class. I was so regret that I never pay attention when he lectured. I never read the notes that he has given to us.
I am very sorry to my group members. I was the failure to the every group I have joined before. I knew Sherline was not happy with me since the last presentation. I had my own opinion which she could not accept. I failed the presentation because of my social phobia. I really wish that I can overcome my social phobia so that I will not afraid anymore when I speak in front of many people. I was sorry to Poh Poh. She always trusted me that I could do the best. I disappointed her at the end.
I always know why I cannot get good result in exams. I am not as intelligent as others - I learn very slow; I am not as hardworking as others, that is the reason why I miss the opportunity to perform well during exams; I am not as healthy as others, I need more sleeping time than others to get good spirit.
However, the Joy of Lord is my strength. I must not give up easily. I must stand up & bestir myself (^^).
New Life
I start my new life yesterday afternoon (Praise the Lord).
I was baptized after become a Christian less than a year.
I was struggled about the problem whether I want to baptize or not before, as I am so young & do not understand Jesus Christ very well. After persuasion from Auntie Patricia & Xiao Mei, I nodded finally. Undeniable, I was defeated by Auntie Patricia's power of persuasion. She is such a good persuader (^^). Furthermore, I am a soft-hearted person, I can be easily persuaded (xd).
I felt very nervous since from the morning until i drove the car carelessly, even my mom & my brother could not stand for it (-.-'''). I took the longer time than usual to reach the church (>.<).
I felt disappointed because all my relatives, friends, Power Group members were not there. I really hope that my family could be there to share the joy.
However, church family members (who have replaced my real family members - Jas Jie , Onn Yeen Jie, Chiow Yee Jie, Tim TiTi), Chinese Cell members, & SE members were there, it was so great (^^). It was the greatest time when there was still people supporting me since my family members were not there.
However, church family members (who have replaced my real family members - Jas Jie , Onn Yeen Jie, Chiow Yee Jie, Tim TiTi), Chinese Cell members, & SE members were there, it was so great (^^). It was the greatest time when there was still people supporting me since my family members were not there.
Sorry to some people, especially Aaron, I was too nervous & afraid & panicked until did not see them. I heard that some people shouted my name but I did not respond to them (*sob*sob*sob*). I was so sorry (*sob*sob*sob*). Thanks for the supporting from every sisters & brothers (especially Li-Anne, she always there for me), I am so delighted to join the family (^^).
Sorry to Kok Jen, I forgot to call him to remind him to fetch me back (><). Thanks to Chiow Yee, who helped me to call him back.
Thanks to all cameramen, who took our pictures & recorded the video. Sorry that I was nervous until forgot to say hi to the video camera before & after I went in & came out from the pool.
On the other hand, I felt sad that "he" was not there. "He" left when it's my turn.
I wanted to tell him that "you looked so smart today", but it seemed impossible.
Before I went into the pool, I hoped that "he" could hold my hand & gave me strength; after I came out from the pool, I hoped that "he" could hugged me & share the joyful. But, I knew, it was impossible.
For Jesus who love me, I shall give my life & faith to You forever in my life while I am still alive.
Opening...
My new blog is launching officially now (smile).
I have received a lot of comments that my previous blogs are full of Chinese words (my English is so bad & I never get an A besides PMR & SPM).
So, upon those requests, this is the special offer for those who do not know Chinese words.
First of all, thanks to Jason Chong, who help me a lot as i really do not know about the layout & design stuff ( xd ). Even Nath taunted me often (-.-'").
Next, thanks to my beloved, I get the idea from him a lot (~lalala~).
Next, thanks to all my brothers & sisters, who always love me & support me, never give up on me.
Finally, thanks to Lord Jesus, who love me & bless me always (^^).
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